'Decoding Love' by Andrew S. Trees • My insights

The context before we get to the book

Have you ever wondered what’s really going on behind the scenes when we fall head over heels for someone from a scientific point of view?

Andrew S. Trees has collected a enormous amount of scientific studies and put them all together in his search of decoding love.

Of course, love is a complex thing and it is nor coded or encrypted. However, when I dove into Andrew S. Trees’ fascinating book “Decoding Love” I learned a few things. It was an easy read. It took me only ten days to read the 260+ pages of the book.

I wanted to give my friend Régis my notes on the book and I thought “How about I write a blog article about them instead?”. So here we are.

Without further ado, here some of the most intriguing tidbits I’ve highlighted about the science of relationships in this book. Some that I knew already and some I discovered. It isn’t a summary of the book, more some of my highlights I wanted to share originally with my friend.

Understanding the science behind relationships

This book is a compilation of scientific papers. The author has done an excellent job in his research. To access all references, I invite you to buy the book and go at the end of it; you’ll find all reference papers.

The Biology of Love: It’s All in Your Head (Literally!)

First things first – did you know that falling in love is basically like being on drugs? No, really! When we’re smitten, our brains light up like a Christmas tree, releasing a cocktail of chemicals that make us feel on top of the world. Here’s the scoop:

• Dopamine, our brain’s “feel-good” chemical, goes into overdrive when we’re in love. It’s no wonder we can’t stop thinking about our crush!
• Oxytocin, often called the “cuddle hormone,” helps us bond with our partners. It’s released during hugs, kisses, and… well, you know what else!
• Vasopressin plays a crucial role in forming long-term bonds, especially for guys.

Fun fact: Scientists have found that the brain activity of someone in love looks surprisingly similar to that of a drug addict craving their next fix. Talk about addictive love!

Evolutionary Matchmaking: Your Nose Knows Best

Apparently, our ancestors have been playing matchmaker from beyond the grave! Evolution has shaped our preferences in some pretty unexpected ways:

• Ever caught a whiff of someone and thought, “Wow, they smell amazing”? That’s your genes talking! We’re naturally attracted to people with different MHC profiles (a part of our immune system), which helps create stronger, healthier offspring.
• Ladies, if you’re on birth control, you might want to pay attention to this one: The pill can actually alter your sense of smell and potentially change who you’re attracted to. Mind-blowing, right?
• Symmetry is sexy, and not just because it looks good. It’s actually a sign of good genes and health. So next time you’re drawn to that perfectly chiseled jawline, you can blame it on evolution!

The Dating Game: Decoding the Rules of Attraction

It turns out there’s a method to the madness of courtship 😂:

1. The approach: It all starts with that first glance and smile.
2. The conversation: Time to turn on the charm!
3. The turn: This is where body language comes into play and both parties are facing each other.
4. The touch: A light brush of the arm can speak volumes.
5. The sync: When you start mirroring each other’s movements, you know there’s a connection.

Whether we’re a man or woman, we should focus on showing interest in the other person rather than trying to show off. And please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t hit on every person you meet like some kind of “Energizer bunny of flirting”! This is actually seen as a turn-off. Especially for people who are seeking long term relationships.

Happily Ever After: The Science of Successful Marriages

Have you ever felt a profound respect for old people telling you we met young and we’re still together. I have! And not only with old people. I remember this ex-colleague of mine at Disciple Media who became my friend: Reece. He’s been with his partner since they were 16, they are still together and he’s about ten years younger than me. I always admire both of them with a tiny bit of envy.

So let’s say, theoritically, we’re single and we found the one. Congrats! 🥂 But the adventure is just beginning. Here’s what science has to say about keeping the spark alive:

• Contrary to popular belief, it’s not fighting that predicts divorce – it’s how you fight. The key is to argue well and avoid what relationship expert John Gottman calls the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
• Here’s a shocker: men with more feminine traits often make better husbands. So, guys, don’t be afraid to get in touch with your softer side!
• Want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Pay attention to your spouse! It sounds simple, but it’s incredibly powerful.
• And here’s a fun paradox: if you want to change something about your partner, try treating them as if they already have that quality. It’s like relationship inception!

Mars, Venus, and Everything in Between: Gender Dynamics in Love

Last but not least, let’s talk about how men and women approach love differently (and how sometimes, we’re not so different after all):

• Contrary to what rom-coms might have you believe, men actually tend to fall in love faster than women. Who would’ve thought?
• Ladies, you’ve got some superpowers when it comes to reading non-verbal cues. You’re generally better at deciphering body language and even reading lips!
• Here’s a tough pill to swallow: studies show that men value intelligence and ambition in women… but only up to a point. Once a woman’s smarts or drive exceed their own, some men start to feel threatened. (Don’t shoot the messenger!)
• When it comes to bringing up difficult issues in a relationship, women take the lead more than 80% of the time. So if you’re the one always starting those tough conversations, you’re not alone!

Wrapping It Up: Love in the Time of Science

From the chemicals swirling in our brains to the evolutionary forces guiding our choices, it’s clear that love is a complex dance of biology, psychology, and good old-fashioned human connection. I didn’t go as far in this article as the author did, I’ll let you read the book yourself.

But here’s the thing – while it’s fascinating to understand the science behind our romantic feelings and behaviors, it doesn’t make love any less magical. If anything, knowing all this makes me appreciate even more the incredible, sometimes inexplicable connections we form with others.

So, armed with this knowledge, I encourage you to go forth and love boldly! Pay attention to your partner, fight fair, and don’t be afraid to let those feel-good chemicals flow. And remember, at the end of the day, love isn’t just about finding the perfect match – it’s about growing together, supporting each other, and creating your own unique love story.

And finally, here is where you can find the Andrew Trees’s book official website

What do you think? Did any of these insights surprise you? Have you experienced some of these phenomena in your own relationships? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Until next time, keep loving and keep learning!